My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
