Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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