My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
