Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
