I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
