Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
