You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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