If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
