saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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