I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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