i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
