Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
