if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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