I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
