I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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