is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Randomize
