we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
