So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
