I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
