So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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