So drunk, too bad you don't want this
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Bring me that man meat
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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