Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
