If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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