Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
