God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
