in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
