there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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