So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
