You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize