he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
