your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
