I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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