her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
