he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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