Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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