I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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