my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
