we're chasing vodka with high fives
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
