Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
