Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
