if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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