the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
