i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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