My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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