Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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