he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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