I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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