so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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