i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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