Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
