I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
