u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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