I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
