Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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