I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
