Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
