i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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